TwiFights
by Jack Skellington's Mistress
Summary: A big ball of Twi-bashing goodness. All hate is welcome. AU. Rated for language.


**Obviously I don't own Twilight. I would never write that crap.**

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As the beat-up, rust-red truck pulled into the small, gloomy yard, the two girls ducked the bushes near the front door. A low-pitched, masculine sounding whine could be heard coming from the open door of the truck.

"I know, right? And I mean, then he just _ripped_ off his damn shirt, and holy crow, he was so damn shiny. Like, seriously. I think he's been using my exfoliator again, ooh stop that, Ed! Cause last time w-"

The rest of the conversation was thankfully drowned out by the taller of the two girls accidentally losing her footing, falling through the bush and tumbling down the front steps.

"Titty fuck _wanker!_" she screamed in rage. The other girl attempted to run forward to aid her her friend, but got snagged in the shrubs and lost her right shoe.

"Bitch diddy tossershit!" she sobbed as she carefully attempted to disentangle her limbs from the plants and simultaneously reach her shoe.

The occupants of the red truck stared in disbelief as they watched their two stalkers swear and scream beautiful, harsh poetry of pain.

Suddenly a tall, pale, bronze-haired boy stood before them, an aprehensive look on his face. A short, dark-haired girl stood behind him, glaring and tapping her foot. Another girl that had been sitting in the truck with them, stormed off. The boy offered a cold hand to both of the intruders before stepping back to wind his arm around the tiny waist of the girl behind him.

"I'm Edward Cullen, this is Bella Swan. Who are you, may I ask?"

The girl at the bottom of the stairs shouted, "_Liz_," angrily into his face, and the girl with leaves in her hair said, "Erin," hautily, raising her eyebrows.

"What the hell were you doing on my property?" Liz and Erin suddenly realised then that the masculine voice they had heard before, had come from the girl, Bella, who now stood before them, all of five foot, stabbing her finger angrily at them both.

"We were planning a surprise party," Liz said simply, clasping her hands together and standing on her tippy toes.

Bella smiled, revealing two large buck teeth. "Were you really? Oh guys, that's so cool! I mean, I don't know you, but... why _wouldn't_ you be throwing a party for me!? And Edward of course. I could never do anything without my Edward," she sighed, staring up into his dark eyes.

"Oh, the party wasn't for you," Erin added. "Or him. It was for us. We were just planning on using your house."

Before Bella could respond, she flicked her hair, causing her to tip over with the sheer weight of it. Luckily, Edward caught her before she hit the ground, in a Mills-and-Boon-worthy move.

"So what you're saying," he said in a gruff voice as he put Bella back to her feet, where she giggled and fanned herself, "Is that you were planning on sneaking into Bella's house to throw a surprise party, which would never have been a surprise since it was for _yourselves?_"

Bella burst into tears and Edward stroked her face lightly, leaving scratches.

"Oh, my Bella! How I have hurt you!"

"Never, Edward. You can never hurt me."

Liz and Erin now stared, enthralled and horrified by this abusive affection. Edward turned and glared at them, awaiting their reply.

"Yeah, that's pretty much what we were going to do," Erin shrugged, stepping backwards to pick the front door lock behind her back. Lizzie whispered loudly, "THEY SEEM TO HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS AT ONCE. I GUESS THAT MAKES THEM MORE HUMAN."

Edward looked at her sharply, before escorting a fawning Bella through the now open door.

**---**

At the tiny dinner table they sat, Liz and Erin grinning hugely and kicking at each other under the table, Bella drooling onto Edward's shirt and still giggling, and Edward looking like an exasperated single parent.

"So, Erin, I was thinking that when I'm older I might like to drive a car, have a dog and be a professional movie watcher. What about you?"

"Oh ho, Liz! That is so silly! That's not much of a goal at all! I want to have three cats, read books and forget to go shopping on pension days. What about you Bella?" Liz and Erin turned expectantly to Bella, who had turned red with the sheer force of her adoration.

"Nothing. Edward. Sex. Vampire. _Love._" Bella fluttered her eyelashes at her lover, who grinned with shiny teeth at her before waggling his eyebrows, and then frowning, and then smiling serenely.

"Wow, so since you have all that stuff in store for your future, I guess you pretty much have everything sorted and worked out, and absolutely no room to accomodate us in a spare room of your house," Liz said forlornly.

"Or even just a spare branch of a tree, or something. But we might not be able to afford that..." Erin pulled three silver coins and a mothball from her pocket. "That's ok. I guess we can just go back to the street. Gee whilakers though, I'm sure not looking forward to seeing that guy again..."

"The one with the fetish for biting, and then chewing?" Liz asked, her left eye straying slightly to the side.

"I was thinking of the one with the blow torch," Erin replied quietly.

"I don't think you'll have to go back there," Edward said suddenly, stroking Bella's hair (a large portion of which was pulling out in his fingers, making Bella wince and squeal in some strange kind of masochistic joy).

"Really? Are you sure?" Liz screamed and jumped up and down in her seat.

"Yes, I'm sure. I can't allow for you to go back to a place like that..."

"Edw_aaaaard_," Bella whined. "Do they _have_ to stay here? I want you all to _myself_, babycakes!"

"Come now, Bella. We should accomodate these two... uh, lovely... girls," Edward coughed slightly, making Bella swoon.

Liz and Erin jumped up and ran to Bella's room, which they decided was now their room.

"YOU'RE THE GREATEST, EDWARD! THANKS HEAPS, BOY," they shouted, jumping happily on the bed.

From the ground level, they heard Bella's cries of rage.

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**FOR MY BELOVED LIZZIE~**

**Yes, I did used to love Twilight, so I have read the books many times, before you attack me for this. I just realise now all the flaws that Twilight has, luckily. **

**I'm seriously looking forward to some fangirl hate mail :D**

**If you want, send that this my way on Twitter. I'm kthnxbi. Make it extra hateful and full of grammatical errors.**


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